Broken Pieces
by GlamRakStar
Summary: Adam/Sauli. Adam's life is catching up with him, and it's all more than he can handle. M for language. *Trigger warning.


On the surface, his life looked awesome. He was gorgeous, had a gorgeous boyfriend of three years, was rich, had an amazing fan base, and with a third CD almost ready, who could look at his life and say it was bad? And it wasn't bad, not really. It was just _so _stressful, and he couldn't tell anyone, because they wouldn't understand. He _did _have a gorgeous, amazing, perfect boyfriend. And that was part of the reason his life was so good, part of the reason that it wasn't.

Every day, Adam would look at how _good _his life really was, and realize more and more that maybe he wasn't good enough for it, maybe he didn't deserve to be living this amazing life. He _knew _he wasn't good enough for Sauli. The man was perfect, and here Adam was, all…_imperfect_. Nowadays he couldn't look in the mirror without finding a million flaws and things wrong with him; he didn't feel like himself; he didn't know what to do any more. He wanted to talk to Sauli, but didn't know how. So for this reason, and maybe some others, they were beginning to grow apart, and that made everything a billion times worse.

Adam had no idea what he could do. He felt like he was losing grip on everything, and he was terrified it would all slip away, and he would lose everything that mattered to him.

So he did the only thing he could, or so he thought.

Adam had never cut before. Never done anything in the way of self harm, except making himself throw up once or twice in high school. He'd spoken against it, never even thought of doing anything to himself. Now, he wondered why he'd never done it. It was great! Sure, it hurt-it hurt a _lot_-but, just for a little while, it took away all of the other pain.

He was always careful to keep his razor blades where Sauli couldn't find them-on top of the medicine cabinet, where Sauli couldn't reach-and he'd taken to wearing long-sleeved shirts to hide the self-inflicted scars, jagged and red across his wrists. He couldn't chance _anyone _ever finding out, but it hurt too good to stop. So he didn't.

One day, Sauli came home almost thirty minutes late. He tried to explain,-something about a car wreck along the highway and a traffic jam-but Adam wouldn't let him. He yelled, and Sauli yelled, then Adam went into their bathroom and slammed the door. He slumped down against the back of the door and cried, sobs racking his shoulders. He wept quietly for a few minutes, unable to compose himself.

_I'm a fucking _monster_!_, he thought. He stood up and reached for his blades, his escape. He sighed heavily and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, pushing his sleeves up. He took a deep breath.

_One, two,…three._

He pressed the cold metal blade into his left wrist, and immediately crimson red stained his pale skin. He winced, then exhaled, succumbing to the glorious pain. He was pressing harder now, deeper, and…the door swung open.

Adam was so startled he dropped the razor blade. How stupid he was, for forgetting to lock the door! He reached for some toilet paper and held it against his wrist, partly to stop the bleeding now that he didn't want it, and partly to hide it from Sauli.

But Sauli had already seen.

"Adam," he rasped.

"Go away," Adam said shakily.

"No, Adam…why?" Sauli murmured.

"I…I can't, Sauli, just get out of here."

"No, Adam, talk to me."

Adam looked toward him, and Sauli's eyes were filling up with tears. "Why, Adam?"

Sauli took a step toward Adam. Adam stood up. "No, Sauli, just _leave_!" Adam started quietly but was shrieking by the last word. He pushed past Sauli and ran into their bedroom, collapsing onto their king-sized bed.

Sauli followed close behind him, of course. "Adam, please talk to me," he pleaded.

Adam looked up at him, his face streaked with tears. He tried to swallow. Did he have to tell? Did he want to? Yes, he wanted to, but how would he even start?

Sauli looked at him, waiting, eyes full of worry. Sauli looked scared for him. He looked hurt and upset and worried, and Adam didn't blame him.

After several moments of silence, Adam took a deep breath. "You're perfect, Sauli," he began. "Perfect, perfect, perfect. How am I supposed to live up to that? How am I even _worthy _of you? Sauli, I'm so scared that you're going to leave me for someone that's good enough for you. I'm scared I'm not enough. I'm scared that I'm wasting your time, Sauli, and it hurts so bad because what if I never find anyone I love as much as you?" Adam gasped.

"Adam, no, do not think that-"

"I'm not done," Adam sniffed. "I can't even look in the mirror anymore without finding a hundred things wrong with me, and I hate it. I used to look at life positively, but now I can't do that. I feel like I'm going under, and I don't know how to come back up." Adam's voice was quivering, but he was speaking quickly. "I hate that I'm such a _bitch_ to you, Sauli. I screamed at you tonight without even letting you explain. You_ always _listen to me, just like now. And I couldn't even hear your reason for being _late_. I'm a monster, Sauli, and you have every right to hate me as much as I hate myself right now."

"No, Adam-"

"Fuck, there's another thing I didn't even _think _of," Adam continued, interrupting Sauli. "My fans! I tell them that the best thing you can do is love yourself, I tell them to be who they are and be proud and _I can't even do that_. Do you _see _why I'm not good enough for you? I'm not good enough for anybody, I don't deserve anything. I hate myself so much right now!" As soon as Adam finished, he took a deep breath and began sobbing harder than he ever had before. Sauli didn't speak at all.

Instead, he sat down on the bed and pulled Adam into his arms. Adam shied away at first, then gave in to it, into the familiarity of Sauli, and he realized he hadn't even hugged Sauli that day.

"Adam, now you listen to me. I am not perfect. No one is. You are as close as anyone can be. I _love _you, Adam. I am not lying when I say that. I understand what you are going through. Being in the spotlight, being criticized, I _get it_. Adam, I cut a long time ago, after Big Brother." Sauli paused and showed Adam his wrists, where there were the faintest of scars. He didn't let Adam speak, though. Adam couldn't tear his eyes away from the scars. You could barely see them at all, but Adam couldn't believe he hadn't noticed them! Then, with a stab of guilt, it sank in-he _hadn't noticed them_. How? He'd kissed Sauli's wrists hundreds of times in the three years they'd been together, and he hadn't noticed the few scars on them. This made his eyes fill up with tears. And then he wondered, _How much pain has Sauli felt? _And he felt terrible, because someone as perfect as Sauli didn't deserve to feel anything like Adam felt then. Breaking from his thoughts, he realized he'd better keep listening to Sauli.

"You are not a bitch to me, Adam. You are stressed and everything is crazy now, Adam. I know. I live it with you. Baby, there's _nothing _wrong with you. You are beautiful and even though nobody is perfect, you are perfect _for me_. I love every single thing about you, believe that. Trust me," Sauli said softly. He gently kissed Adam's cheek.

"Now come with me," Sauli said, "so I can clean your wrist."

Adam followed Sauli into the bathroom.

"Sit," Sauli instructed. He turned away from Adam and began running water into the spacious garden tub behind him. "You need a long, hot bath," Sauli told him.

Once the water was running and Sauli had checked the temperature, he turned back to Adam. Gently he pulled the folded toilet paper from Adam's wrist and threw it away. The bleeding had stopped.

Next, Sauli pulled a washcloth from under the sink, and wet it under the faucet in the bathtub. He tenderly pressed it to the inside of Adam's wrist for a moment, softly enough so that it wouldn't hurt Adam at all. Then he removed it, dropped it in the sink, and dried Adam's wrist with a fluffy hand towel.

Sauli held Adam's hands and inspected his wrists, the cuts crisscrossed over the delicate skin there. "How many times?" Sauli asked.

Adam was thoughtful for a moment. "Five."

Sauli sighed shakily. "Oh, Adam." He leaned in to kiss Adam's lips, softly, almost cautiously. He then pulled back and bent his head, and Adam began to cry again as Sauli kissed each and every one of his scars.

"I love you so much," Sauli whispered, his voice coated with tears. "More than I can even say. Adam, I can't lose you. Please don't hurt yourself more."

Adam swallowed the lump in his throat. "I love you too, Sauli, please believe that. I won't."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Sauli kissed Adam again before he said, "Bath, now." So he and Adam undressed in the cold bathroom and stepped into the hot-but-not-too-hot bathwater, Sauli behind Adam.

"Do you want me rub your shoulders?" Sauli asked Adam.

"If you don't mind?"

"Of course not." So Sauli slathered some of Adam's bath oil onto his palms and began rubbing his shoulders, gently but with pressure, and Adam sighed contently.

"You _are _stressed," Sauli pointed out after working for several minutes. Adam nodded sleepily. After a few minutes, Sauli stopped. "Feel better?"

"I do. Thank you so much, Sauli," Adam said. He was turning around, about to lay a kiss on Sauli's lips, when all of a sudden, Sauli's slim hands were on his sides, tickling him. Adam laughed. "What was that for?" He asked, still smiling.

"I needed to see your smile," Sauli replied. "I miss it."

Adam couldn't help but keep smiling. And, he realized, he'd missed smiling and laughing, too. Now he did get to kiss Sauli, lightly. Sauli sighed against his lips. "Let's get out, Adam."

So they climbed out of the water and wrapped themselves in big, mismatched bath towels.

In the bedroom, they pulled on their softest, warmest pajamas, then brushed their teeth; got ready to go to bed, because, frankly, they were exhausted. They did all this fairy quietly, not speaking much but glancing up longingly at the other every once in a while.

Adam climbed into bed as Sauli was turning out the lights and dropped his head down onto his pillow. Sauli, in bed now, pulled the covers up over both of them and rolled over to face Adam.

"Adam, baby," he whispered. "We need talk."

Adam sighed. "I guess we do."

"Are you okay?" Sauli asked gently.

"Not really," Adam admitted. "But I'm feeling a little better. I'm so sorry, Sauli…"

"It is not your fault," Sauli stated.

"What am I going to do?" Adam asked plaintively.

"I do not know," Sauli admitted. "When I cut…I just threw away all my razor blades and things, and I…I never told anybody. I just tried to forget about it."

"Were you okay after that?" Adam asked softly.

Sauli nodded. "Not all the time-I mean, I felt depressed sometimes but I never did it again."

"I'm not as strong as you, though." Adam's voice cracked, and he held out his wrists as if to illustrate his point.

Sauli sat up. "Adam, listen to me, honey. You _are _strong. I believe it. You will be just fine. You and I will get past this. Together." Sauli's declaration was firm, but he said it gently.

Adam sat up also, and Sauli took his hands. "I still don't know what to do," Adam whispered.

"We'll figure it out together, then," Sauli said quietly. "I promise. We'll get through this."

Adam tried to smile. "But where are we going to start?"

Adam could see Sauli shrug in the darkness. "Well," Sauli said, "we can start by going to sleep and sleeping late in the morning, because baby, I don't think I've ever seen you so tired. We'll figure the rest out tomorrow. Is that okay?"

"That's okay."

"Adam, honey, I love you. Please remember that forever," Sauli told him, pulling him close.

Adam melted into his arms. "I love you too," he whispered, his voice coated with tears. They kissed once, just a touch of their lips, and lay back down.

Adam pulled Sauli into his arms and, as he was falling asleep, he realized that with Sauli in his arms, it felt like everything just might be all right again someday.


End file.
